Hey, I’ll have you know there are plenty of good direct-to-video films.
...
This is not one of them.
From
Roger Christian, the director of Battlefield
Earth, comes a brand new tale of interstellar horror and poorly lit
corridors. A small team of Moon-based astronauts under the command of Col.
Gerard Brauchman (ohmygodit’s Christian Slater!) suddenly find their lunar
facility on the receiving end of a violent meteor shower that cripples the base
and leaves them... Stranded.
But
they aren’t alone. Already threatened by gradual carbon monoxide poisoning (bear
witness to THE RETURN OF SPACE DEMENTIA), they soon realise that something else came down with the
meteors – a malevolent alien organism that takes physical form after
impregnating one crew member and perfectly replicating another. As the creature
sets its insidious plan in motion, Brauchman’s team must find a way to ensure
not only their own survival, but the safety of Earth itself.
Yep.
It’s gonna be one of those movies. Might as well get the disposable characters
over with before anything else. First up is the young Dr. Krauss (Brendan Fehr).
He’s all stoic and rational ‘n’ stuff. Then there’s Ava (Amy Matysio), who, in
compliance with the Ripley Act of 1979, clearly has much larger testicles than
any of her male co-workers... but she also displays incredible stupidity. Last,
but surprisingly not least, Michael Therriault plays Johns, a twitchy alcoholic
who suffers the misfortunate honour of having the otherworldly visitor form
itself in his image. And honestly, in spite of Stranded’s terribad script (brace yourself for the depressurisation
gag), Therriault’s double-act (two vastly different roles) is far and away the
best thing in it.
For
many, Christian Slater will forever be that weirdo from Heathers. I’m more of a Broken
Arrow fan, myself, but it’s always a nice surprise to see this humanoid 90s
time capsule show up in the unlikeliest of places (loved his Bullet to the Head cameo). While I’m not
entirely convinced he was 100% sober at the time of filming, Slater still puts
in an earnest performance as Brauchman, even if all the role ultimately amounts
to is frowning in confusion and yelling at computers (drinking game material). Of
course, the REAL star here is Slater’s hairline, but that’s a whole other
sci-fi horror for a very different review.
Believe
it or not, but Roger Christian wasn’t always doomed to be remembered as the man
who gave us John Travolta’s finest hour. Long before that incident,
Christian was working in the art departments for such films as Star Wars and, more relevantly, Alien. Indeed, the Blu-ray cover is
quick to point this out in such a manner that you’d think Dan O’Bannon had
risen from the grave to pen one last screenplay.
Sadly,
neither Alien nor Star Wars exactly spring to mind when
watching Stranded. If anything, there’s
more than a whiff of Starship Troopers 2:
Hero of the Federation hovering around the production. It’s got that same
murky cinematography – all ruddy colours and overwhelming shadows – making the film
look as though it was shot from one end of an unclean fish tank. Fair play if
that was Christian’s intention (at least he’s toned down the Dutch angles), but save for one bizarre match dissolve incorporating a penny,
I’m not sold on his creative vision just yet.
Worse
still, it would appear as though this lack of aesthetic flair extended to the creature
department... or lack thereof. While there is
a killer alien, it spends most of the time in its Michael Therriault form.
Towards the end, there are a few gruesome surprises (courtesy of some decent
practical effects), but it’s a sad case of too little too late. You could say Stranded is geared more towards fans of Inseminoid than Titan Find.
None
of this would matter too much if Stranded
at least worked on a horror level, but that’s precisely where it disappoints
the most. With the possible exception of when Ava wakes up to discover the Creepozoids baby breastfeeding off her,
along with the very occasional
unsettling moment (like a glimpse of said offspring watching from an air vent),
this movie isn’t going to set pulses racing. Rest assured, there will be jump
scares and there will be flickering lights. But there will be no surprises.
Oh
well, you might be thinking, maybe it can make up for a lack of scares with
some good old fashioned schlock? Nuh uh. The moment we’re told there will only
be four primary characters, alarm
bells start ringing. Already, you just know any gory demises are gonna be in
short supply, and sure enough, there is a grand total of ONE novelty death to
look forward to. I won’t spoil what happens (‘cos hey, it’s pretty funny), but
it’s still not enough to warrant any self-respecting gorehound’s full attention.
Things do start looking up when Ava’s uterus becomes unexpectedly occupied, but
there’s no gruesome Xtro-styled birth
sequence. Oh, there’s a birth sequence alright, but it happens mostly off-screen.
And she lives. Why did I buy this movie again?
If
nothing else, Stranded is short.
Without taking the end credits into account, its running time barely scrapes past
80 minutes. Irritatingly, this brevity turns out to be something of a
double-edged sword. Yes, you don’t have to put up with Slater and co. for very
long, but the ending turns out to be the film’s most interesting part – leaving
us on a major cliffhanger. It’s almost as though Stranded was intended as the prequel to a far more entertaining
movie! Chances are, that’s a sequel we’ll never get to see, and... I’m really
not sure if I care.
While
Stranded was unceremoniously dumped
in the UK video market a few weeks ago, it will apparently receive some form of
theatrical North American release next month. I’m not sure I can technically recommend the film to anyone,
but if, like me, you’ve ever wanted to spend an evening with Christian Slater on
the Moon, now is your chance.
But
you’ve been warned.