Apologies
in advance for the lack of screenshots with excruciatingly unfunny captions to
break up what turned out to be a rather hefty write-up. I jumped straight from
VHS to Blu-ray for this film (‘cos I’m classy like that), so there’s no way for
me to include images without plundering the work of others.
On that note, I do hope Drew Struzan doesn't sue me for starting the review with his awesome theatrical poster!
I first brought up the delightfully trashy Cannon Group in my Cobra review from earlier in the year. Best known for cheap and
cheerful R-rated action flicks, their crowning achievement was the family
friendly 1987 live action Masters of the
Universe adaptation, directed by Gary Goddard. With such an inventive
library of characters and stories to take inspiration from, the end result
should have been something special. As a Cannon film, however, there were certain
concessions to be made...
Here,
look, I can insert the standard He-Man
fan’s reaction into the following Blu-ray blurb, conveniently provided by
Warner Bros:
“Planet Eternia and the Castle of Greyskull
are under threat from the evil Skeletor (WOOO,
SUCK IT, MUMM-RA!), who wants to take
over the planet (OMG JUST LIKE THE
CARTOON!). A group of freedom fighters led by the heroic He-Man (FABULOUS SECRET POWERS!) are
accidentally transported to Earth (YEA-
wuh, wait, what?) by a mysterious Cosmic Key, which holds the power to make
Skeletor all-powerful (Oh-Kay...).
Once on Earth (Seriously, they’re going
with this?), He-Man joins alliances with two teenagers (Stop raping my dreams!) as they attempt
to find the key and return home. (Dear
god, what have they DONE?!)”
While
this is touted as the epic final confrontation between nemeses He-Man (Dolph
Lundgren) and Skeletor (Frank Langella), tacking on a lame fetch-quest just to
keep the budget down takes some wind out of its sails. Really, if you want the
whole movie summed up in five seconds, just check out the part where Dolph
stumbles through a suburban neighbourhood in full uniform during the dead of
night, following the beeps of his tracker thingummy.
But
I guess it’s still an interesting angle to tackle this mythology from, what
with Castle Greyskull already under Skeletor’s control, the Sorceress
imprisoned and our heroes reduced to a ragtag rebellion. Besides, Masters of the Universe isn’t strictly
based on the cartoon, but rather the original toy line. As a feature length
commercial for Mattel, then, you could call Goddard’s film the spiritual
precursor to the recent Transformers
and G.I. Joe movies. [sarcasm]We have
so much to thank it for.[/sarcasm]
Not
everyone’s favourite action figure would appear on-screen, though, due to
budget constraints. Complex (and popular) characters like Battle Cat, Stratos
and Orco were an inevitable no-no. In fact, the gnome-like Gwildor (Billy
Barty), who creates the intergalactic portal-opening Cosmic Key that’s powered
by – I shit you not – synth music, was
effectively conceived as a replacement for Orco. It’s not like we didn’t get any small fry comic relief, right?
But
when freakin’ Ivan Drago and his Swedish Mullet of Champions is headlining your
picture, I doubt such accuracy is a big concern. This was Lundgren’s first
starring role and, eh herm, it does unfortunately show... mainly whenever he
opens his mouth. Dolph’s never exactly mastered a transatlantic accent, but
here his slurs get so bad, it’s like he’s staggered out of the local Eternian
pub following a dusk ‘til dawn bender with Ram Man. Even single syllable words
are savagely butchered in his brutal war on pronunciation. Still, he looks
ripped and can swing a blade like a champ. For the film’s primary target audience,
not much else matters.
The
essential ‘Masters’ were naturally included, each with ample screen time of
their own (if only to keep audiences distracted from Dolph’s unique line
delivery). In an ideal world where everything is perfect, Tom Selleck would
have been cast as Man-At-Arms, but Jon Cypher does the whole ‘fatherly warrior’
thing with much Eternian bravado. Likewise, Chelsea Field brings the sass as
Teela (a trait that would suit her well as Bruce Willis’ miserable wife in The Last Boy Scout a few years later)
and fits right in as the primary action heroine. Too bad she has to all-but break the fourth
wall and deliver the infamous “... Woman-At-Arms!” groaner. Bleh.
The
two teenagers (godDAMNit) caught up
in this mess, Julie and Kevin, are respectively played by former Bruce
Springsteen groupie Courtney Cox and future Starfleet Lieutenant Robert Duncan
McNeil. Acting-wise, I can’t complain, but as characters they’re overly
clichéd. Going through one of those ‘will they, won’t they’ relationship
dilemmas is agonising enough, but Julie’s also grappling with the recentish
death of her parents... He-Man! Just
to add to their personal crap, they mistake the Cosmic Key for a Japanese
synthesiser like only two 80s kids would, and unwittingly draw a whole world of
trouble right into their MTV dominated lives, including Skeletor’s “finest mercenaries”. But just who does
this A-Team of evil include?
In
ascending order, they are: the reptilian Saurod (who does nothing and is
atomised as punishment), the sword master Blade (whose skills do not live up to
that name), familiar furry face Beast Man (now a mute, but still utterly incompetent)
and their leader, the hook-handed/Tina Turner-haired Karg (imagine a man-like
Critter dressed like David Bowie and you’re nearly there). They fail miserably
at retrieving the Key, get their collective asses kicked by He-Man, and go
crawling back to their anorexic master for backup. I’m sure they made for
superficially cool action figures, but no kid would want to be seen playing
with these losers! What was wrong with the original villains, anyway? Were Trap
Jaw, Tri-Klops and Mer-Man all off sick or what?
Our
young maybe-lovers have even more to contend with, it would appear. This movie
has a secret weapon: James Tolkan.
Perhaps more commonly known as ‘the bald guy from Back to the Future’, here Tolkan plays Detective Lubic, who has a
hard time getting his head around the sudden Eternian presence in his city. We
spend a good chunk of the film waiting for Lubic to snap, and, during the grand
finale, Lubic finally goes nuts with a pump-action shotgun. Goddard wanted
Gwildor’s “Only one of you... only one
of anybody” message to stick with kids, and that’s nice, but nowadays I’m
convinced the real moral of this particular story was “Nobody takes pot-shots at Lubic!”
You’ll
quickly realise how there’re two distinct parts to this film. Part A consists
of He-Man and friends dicking about on Earth. Part B focuses on Skeletor grumping
in his new throne room. Take a wild guess which is more entertaining. If you
picked the Earth segments, you don’t deserve oxygen. Forget about how young
Courtney Cox looks and whatever product Dolph puts in that luscious hair, Skeletor is the primary reason Masters of the Universe retains any
semblance of relevance. Hidden behind what resembles a papier-mâché accident, Langella eclipses the whole film with a
performance that, when properly analysed, can be broken down into three
distinct acting styles. Observe:
HOW TO LANGELETOR
STEP 1
– When turning, make them DRAMATIC TURNS.
STEP 2
– Point at everything with your FINGER
OF DOOM.
STEP 3
– Remember, you’re angry, so SHOUT
ERRATICALLY.
Only
upon combining all three will you come close to the majesty Langella achieved (and I've heard he had a hand in the final script). What
remains so impressive to this day is how he chews scenery with the grace that
only a classically trained thespian can bring to your Cannon movie. When the
camera’s on him, it’s more Hamlet
than He-Man. His presence ensured
that Masters of the Universe became a
bona fide shlock classic of 80s cinema and, in this humble writer’s opinion,
gives us the definitive lord of Snake Mountain.
Standing
by Skeletor’s side, and in yet another superb casting choice, we also have Meg
Foster as Evil Lyn – another absolute must-include character for the filmmakers
(lest they fear the wrath of fanboys scorned). She provides an icy alternative
to her master’s unpredictable mood swings (he really loves yelling those
adverbs), not to mention a capable diversion from Karg’s useless douche squad. Using her seductive menace, it’s creepy how effortlessly Foster segues into the role. I don’t know what type of ethereal plane lurks beyond those
deathly pale orbs she calls her eyes... but it probably helped her land the
part.
So
while the characters are all over the place, avid fans might also be shocked by
how the cartoon’s more, ahem, flamboyant
aspects were toned down for the big screen. In case you needed reminding, the
show opens with Price Adam emerging from a swirling vortex, wearing an
uncomfortably tight pink shirt to tell us about that one time fabulous powers were bestowed upon him
after extending his magic sword and... yeah, She-Ra was more butch than this
guy. But don’t panic! While much of the campy imagery didn’t make the full
transition, He-Man himself remains a shining idol of homoeroticism. Spending
the whole picture sans trousers, he shows zero interest in any female
companions and is instead totally committed to nailing Skeletor right in the
butt with his sword once and for all (I may be over thinking this).
This
tonal darkening is also noticeable in ol’ bone head’s new costume design. Clad
skull-to-foot in a dark cloak, he’s no longer a bulging mass of pale blue skin
whose modesty is only narrowly covered up by purple straps. It’s even hinted
that his ‘working relationship’ with Evil-Lynn may in fact harbour something
more meaningful. Otherwise, Julie has Kevin, I’m guessing Man-At-Arms is a
grieving widower at heart, and apart from being a vegetarian, there isn’t
nearly enough evidence to back up my theory that Teela’s a lesbian... so
basically everyone has a terminal case of the not-gays! Except, thinking about
it now, Blade was a bit too
enthusiastic when laser-whipping a semi naked He-Man, so I dunno, maybe
something’s going on there.
Yet
with the extra oomph of a cinematic PG rating, the action was ratcheted up
several aggressive notches. You could smash your action figures together like a
goob all you wanted (not in that way, please) but violence was virtually
nonexistent throughout the cartoon’s run.
Ah ha, but this is a Cannon film! What did they release again? Oh yeah, 10 to Midnight, Death Wish 2 – 4, Code of
Silence, Invasion USA, the American Ninja series, Bloodsport and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 to name but a few. Looks like
Saturday morning’s officially over.
Just
like that, Skeletor’s got himself a legion of faceless cyborg soldiers decked out
in black armour so, brace yourselves, He-Man gets to use his sword! And lasers!
To kill! There’s nothing terribly graphic – these drones give off sparks and
occasionally explode into stardust – but he still racks up a body count that’s
not to be sniffed at. By my reckoning, if you replaced all the sparks with
gratuitous blood squibs, this would’ve been the single most violent swords ‘n’
sci-fi fest of the 80s. Masters of the
Universe directed by Paul Verhoven. Just... just think about that.
Of
course, it’s quite disappointing to see most of the big action set-pieces
taking place in such mundane locations. Watching Dolph throw Beast Man into a
heap of wooden crates says it all, really. C’mon, this is He-Man! Where are the swamps and canyons teeming with monsters? But
in fairness, the sheer juxtaposition of images here is strangely watchable.
Watching Skeletor’s goomba platoon wage war on Team Dolph as they take cover in
a music store is at the very least a memorable
experience, albeit for not entirely conventional reasons. And who could forget
the part where our heroes face harsh moral dilemmas over a stolen bucket
of barbecued ribs? Certainly not me...
Having
it all backed by Bill Conti’s music did a whole universe of good, too. His main
title theme comes dangerously close to ripping off John Williams’ Superman score, but Conti’s work finds
just the right fantastical niche required to underscore the world of Eternia
and its inhabitants. Plus, it’s the only thing keeping He-Man’s fight scenes
with Karg and company from maxing out the retard-o-scale.
The
film’s overall design also deserves significant praise, regardless of the
time spent in a suspiciously deserted downtown L.A. (where is everybody?) Makeup effects and costumes (especially the work
done on Skeletor, Beast Man and Saurod) are convincing enough without ever
being too silly (save for Blade’s hilarious chainmail ‘n’ spikes getup). I
realise Eternia is pretty much relegated to a single room, but it’s one hell of a room! The interior of
Greyskull was one of the biggest sets ever built at the time, and it still
looks undeniably grandiose. I don’t know why these things always need to be
filled with virtually bottomless pits, but hey, whatever works.
Now,
did you ever wonder what might happen if Skeletor ACTUALLY got his shit
together, breached Greyskull’s defences and managed to claim the power within
for himself? Must be pretty spectacular to become Master of the Universe,
right? I thought so too. So when Skeletor finally makes an effort to, way hay, kill some protagonists for a change, he
does indeed find himself delivering a victory speech before the Great Eye of
Eternia and an imprisoned He-Man (a quick heads-up: he rambles on about as long
as Steven Seagal did at the end of On
Deadly Ground, so bring a snack).
Long
story short, Skeletor becomes a god. Apparently, this means maximum SWAG! The
Great Eye turns his whole attire into a sparkly golden variant and fits his
cranium with the most ridiculous headpiece I’ve ever seen. I think it’s meant
to resemble the briefly glimpsed structure of Castle Greyskull itself, but
that’s such an impractical fashion choice, I wouldn’t know where to begin.
Also, gods get badass laser eyes and develop a terrifying insistence on
screaming “KNEEEEEL!!!” All of a sudden, I’m anxious to see Langella and
Terence Stamp have a KNEEEEEL-off. It would be glorious.
Sure
enough, the good guys arrive just in the nick of time for a big action sequence
that hurriedly packs in Lundgren’s guttural cry of “URR HEV DUH PURREH!!!”, and initiates the climactic duel between
He-Man and Skeletor. This is it. This is the moment many an 80s kid was waiting for. Sadly, their initial dialogue
exchange is the best part. I always get a kick out of ‘pre-fight banter’, but this
is something else. Lundgren’s gurning and Langella’s exquisite annunciation
clash in a dizzying tornado of cheese and drama as they remind us, quite
rightly so, that we are about to witness their “FINAL BATTLE!!!”
Or
rather, it’s Dolph sparring with Frank’s stunt double, Anthony De Longis (who
also played Blade), for about a minute of PARRY, PARRY, CLASH, SWIVEL, PARRY,
DUCK, CLASH etc. before it’s all wrapped up in a manner that’s completely
unlike Star Wars... I SWEAR. Eh, Goddard
could have at least thrown in a few Ivan Drago quotes to liven it up... and why
was Skeletor’s godly power excised the moment He-Man broke his staff... Potential
gay symbolism? No? ‘Aight.
The
ending is saccharine sweet to the point where I can feel my teeth rotting, and
anyone who sat through the credits was rewarded with the promise of a sequel
which never materialised. Masters of the
Universe bombed, kicking off Cannon’s financially bleak last few years. But
the sequel was planned, with a screenplay
written and pre-production well underway (some sets and costumes were already
designed) by the time its plug was finally pulled. Now comes the interesting
part: at around the same time, Cannon’s proposed Albert Pyun-directed Spider-Man (yuh huh) also
fell through, so to save costs, Pyun picked up
from where Masters 2 had imploded to
develop Jean-Claude Van Damme’s post apocalyptic martial arts adventure, Cyborg.
I
mean, that’s more or less what happened. Details are messy, but if Masters 2 had gone ahead, I’ve every
reason to believe Cannon would have pulled a fast one and released it straight
to VHS with Michael Dudikoff playing He-Man and Steve James as Man-At-Arms.
Together, they’d embark on a voyage of interracial man-love into the very heart
of Snake Mountain, and do battle with John P. Ryan’s Skeletor (no, wait,
quickly, someone get me a time machine and ten million dollars!)
There
had to be a reason why I nearly wore out my Masters
of the Universe VHS as a young(er) person - long before I discovered the
violent joys of Dolph Lundgren’s filmography. Back then, it was probably down
to all the wacky characters and their goofy high jinks. Having revisited it with
some contextual knowledge under my belt, I’ve inadvertently gained a whole new
level of respect for the film.
Watch this documentary segment for an idea of what went on behind the scenes. Backed
by an unreliable film studio, supplied with limited funds and facing the real possibility
that the whole production could come crashing down around them without a moment’s
notice, Gary Goddard’s team of exceptional filmmaking talent set out to make a
God. Damn. Movie. For all that didn’t go to plan, and despite what could have been under more fortunate
circumstances, that’s exactly what they did.
I
understand there’s a reboot on the horizon, one that’ll most likely be heavy on
the CGI and fuelled by lingering shots of Channing Tatum’s abs. Given the right
script and generous production values, it could easily nail the source material
and give fans the He-Man film they’ve
long-been clamouring for. Whether or not it matches the original’s earnest
charm is another matter entirely.
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